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Take Back Your Power

Take Back Your Power
Naww that sweet 13-week baby scan the one where you finally get to see a “baby” not a blob!  13 weeks!! 13 freaking weeks!! After a seven-year journey you can imagine how surreal this all feels.
You’d think you’d be excited about the scan, right?! Well yes, okay so Sydney Lock-down hit cool we’ll deal with that just means Tim can’t come in the room but should still be able to Face-time. Hahaha WRONG! After being told no face time as your husband may be recording it, me pointing out how odd this is and you’d think due to the current climate you’d arrange something so partners don’t miss out. Also, wrong!
If you haven’t experienced IVF or another fertility treatment then let me tell you. You have that many people looking at your vajootz along with internal/external scans it becomes the new norm. Don’t think there’s a dinner date prior to said faces examining your vagina. High note you learn quickly what scans should and shouldn’t feel like. Okay so back to it.
Here we are a little deflated Tim waiting in the car and me in the waiting room thinking about how Tim can’t hear her little heart beat or watch her move in real time. Reminded myself “Bec there the cards we’ve been dealt, most important right now is she healthy”. Sonographer calls “says this is the room put all belongings on the chair”, lay down lift my dress up and away we go. At first scan seems normal, seeing baby on the screen in front, then it’s like the sonographer is digging for gold. The pain. I don’t mean the sort where you’ve held that 1lt of water for too long and Warragamba Dam is about to burst its banks. I mean the kind of pain where you want to yell “you know there’s a baby in there, right?! She was dragging the transducer across me and when baby turn her head, she pushed down harder to get her to move. I was ignored when asking about my placenta’s location, asked a second time was huffed at told roughly where it was asked her to show me as I didn’t understand only then be greeted with another huff and “it’s not important right now”, shit shoot me for being curious! For a person (me) who would normally speak up, who is extremely intuitive with her body, I let it happen! I just let it happen!! I felt abused. I was in pain just wanted to leave. Was made to feel because I’m pregnant I have no say, I’m here to help our child to come into the world, my feelings don’t matter they are doing what needs to be done. I lost my voice.
I came out walked to the car and said to Tim “want to sit in the car feel awful”, as we sat we went through photos and videos. Spoke about how our little one is showing half a week ahead but they won’t be changing our due date. We arrived home, told Tim wasn’t feeling well whole belly is in pain and explained what had happened. Tim said nothing screwed his face up with concern. Due to having no morning sickness we put it down to needing to eat lunch; after all it was 3:30pm. I ate then decided to sleep it off, only to wake 2.5hrs later feeling much worse. 
Reached out to a local midwife showed scans and spoke about my experience. Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed. I responded with “Booked in again for 19 weeks. Hopefully all is right. Felt sick after, so slept didn’t feel much better". Local midwife then responded with a post from @motherbear.postpartum 👇🏼(click for full post).
After reading this I was Arial from the Little Mermaid (childhood fantasy) after Ursula has been destroyed and my voice has been restored. Out of the multitude of ultrasounds I’ve experienced never has one ever left me in pain - even at those particular times of the month we’re you’d rather not be examined. What happen wasn’t right, what happen wasn’t acceptable. Pregnancy or not, I should have spoken up - it’s our right to speak when the situation doesn’t feel right. When you are made to feel less then worthy.
I’m sharing my experience to shed light. To say Take back your power! Speak up when your made to feel uncomfortable or in this case excessive unnecessary pain. It’s your body, your say. If you ask questions, don’t allow yourself to be ignored ask till you’ve received the answer. You have a voice, don’t lose it, use it! Take back your power and listen to your body. 
Love Always
Rebecca Xx
p.s. yes, I spoke with my midwife who arranged an immediate transfer for all future scans. “Don’t be sorry this is about you; we’ll make sure you get the correct care” thank you for having my back.

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